The Most Painful Thing You’ll Ever Have to Do

Honestly, I’m probably in no position to be writing about “the most painful thing you’ll ever have to do.” I’m twenty-five years old. A quarter of the way through life if you take the optimistic approach. Many people have gone through things much, much more painful than me. That’s why this blog isn’t actually about the most painful thing you’ll ever have to do. It’s about the most painful thing you’ll ever have to do…repeatedly.

This blog is about forgiveness.

I probably just lost half of you. That’s what happens with painful things. It’s much easier to avoid them. Quick! Exit the blog. Go back to Facebook. Snap back to reality and stop reading this.

You’re welcome to stop reading; however, I can assure you without the completion of the painful act of forgiveness you’re in store for a world with even more pain. A pain that consumes you. A pain that hardens you – shapes you – and changes your very being.

If you’re still with me, you likely have someone you’ve had to forgive or need to forgive. I’m right there with you – and will always be. That just makes us human. Let’s go on this journey together.

First, let’s understand forgiveness. C.S. Lewis writes that to forgive is different than merely excusing or empathizing towards. This isn’t forgiving but is simply that – excusing. Excusing is not forgiving. Excusing is shrugging off.

Excusing is appropriate in some capacities. There isn’t anything wrong with excusing things that merely offended you. Proverbs tells us it is to a man’s honor to overlook an offense (Proverbs 19:11). However, when deeply hurt, excusing fails to recognize the hurt or pain you felt and you cannot move forward without internally addressing this.

Excusing is Satan’s best way of getting you to have “hangnails” in your heart. Those little annoying things that keep pestering you and eventually take root. And, similar to a hangnail, you begin to wonder how something so minuscule could cause so much pain. That’s what happens when you excuse something rather than take the time to go through the process of forgiving.

So, what is forgiving? Forgiving is recognizing that while you were hurt or wronged by someone, you are just as human as them, and therefore, will offer grace to the wrongdoer as you would want grace offered to you.

This is much more painful to do.

It’s painful because it’s a humbling process. It’s easy to “forgive” with the idea that you can do it because you are more mature, more Godly, more “something” than the person who wronged you.

“I’ll forgive them because they’re just immature…they’re just rude…they’re so *blank*…I’ll rise above because I’m better than that.”

That’s not forgiveness. That’s pride.

The secret to forgiveness isn’t the ability to get over things or move on. It’s not an indicator of how much love you have in your heart. Rather, it’s about positioning your heart.

The three words that allow for the healing process of forgiveness to begin are these:

I’m. No. Better.

You see, to say that someone wronged you and to hold that against them is the equivalent of saying that you would never do it to anyone. Many of you are reading this exclaiming, “Exactly! I WOULD never do that to someone.”

…how do you know?

To suggest that you would never do something to someone is, in essence, to say that you are without sin in your life or to say that you would never let your sin get THAT out of control as the person who has wronged you.

Therefore, you are suggesting that you know every sin you ever have committed and will commit in the future and to what degree. You’re also suggesting that you won’t ever commit any sin against someone else.

Notice I didn’t say any “worse” sin. The tricky part is the Bible tells there is the same penalty for all sins, no matter the “degree” (Romans 6:23). Sin is what separates us from God. Our sin is what’s keeping us from God. There is no distinction between small and big, socially acceptable or outrageous. We should be very concerned with our sin.

OUR sin. Not their sin.

“Yeah, but their sin is worse.”

What a wonderful lie to cling to.

To say that there are worse or unforgiveable sins is to put sin on a “scale.” It’s a serious thing for two reasons. First, you cannot rate something on a scale without defining all degrees of the scale. Therefore, to rank sins is to say that you know all sins, both private and public, including sins of the heart. The Bible tells us that the heart is deceptive – who can know it? (Jeremiah 17:9). The second thing ranking sins suggests is that you’re the judge.

Therefore, to not forgive is to suggest that you’re better than someone else, you never have and never will commit any sin to any degree, and that you are the judge. It’s suggesting that you’re not only as perfect as God but that you are above God because even God forgives.

How do you know there’s unforgiveness in your heart?

I find that when I’m at the peak of unforgiveness in my heart, I get joy from seeing the other person get put “in their place.” I love the “justice” behind it. I’m so very human and, as such, so very flawed.

I think I’m the judge. I’ve taken the position that I’ve done nothing wrong – or, at least, not as wrong as them.

Now I’m under the illusion that I have the power. I have justified, solely in my own mind and to myself, holding something over their head.

That’s why if you hold onto unforgiveness long enough the hardest act will no longer be forgiving what they’ve done to you. The hardest act will be letting go of the so-called power you think you have over them. And doing that act time and time again.

You will begin to become best friends with bitterness and pride. They will change you. They will set up shop in your heart.

Do you want to know the worst part about this? You’re no longer hurting the person who hurt you.

You’re hurting yourself.

I love the quote by Lewis B. Smedes that says “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

It’s a painful thing to have to admit that you’re no better than someone who’s wronged you. I believe that humbling yourself is the hardest thing to do. But it is far less painful than letting bitterness and pride take root in your heart.

I have to believe that when the Proverbs say “guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life” they were talking about more than just giving your heart away to someone. (Proverbs 4:23)

Guard your heart against the bitterness, against the prideful nature, against the deceitful desires that try to take root.

Forgiveness isn’t just for the other person. Forgiveness is for you.