Ahh the question everyone gets the first time they see every person they know who’s gotten married. It’s similar to when you return from Spring Break in college and everyone has to ask “how was your spring break?”
To quickly summarize how married life has been I’d say it’s been amazing being with my favorite person all of the time. I absolutely love it. But, if I were to quantify how much our relationships has changed since we were dating I would essentially tell you that it hasn’t. Why? Because I haven’t changed much as a person. Both of us still have the same flaws we did leading up to marriage.
The first day of our honeymoon, I remember looking at Travis and laughing while saying “I’m just as impatient as I was a day ago.”
Marriage does not automatically make you funnier, more patient, more understanding, wiser, a better Christian, more committed to a workout plan, more mature, better at handling conflict, no longer tempted to look at other men/women, or a better fit for your spouse.
Please know I believe that marriage changes you over time – I believe in the power of accountability and that the sacrifice it takes day-in and day-out is truly “a refining fire.” But without sacrifice and selflessness, it won’t happen.
You may have heard someone say “marriage doesn’t fix anything” but I would put it this way: marriage does not transform you or your partner into the person they aspire to be. It doesn’t happen overnight and it certainly doesn’t happen accidentally. No, it’s much easier to drift apart or dig in your heels to your way of living instead of “our” way of living.
The Bible tells us that marriage can grow us into being a better version of ourselves but, like with any growth, it’s a stretching and painful process that both need to be willing to commit to.
With that, I want to encourage people to do two things:
1. Don’t glorify marriage as the thing that will fix your significant other – or you.
I remember hearing countless people tell me “the first year of marriage is always hard.” I remember just bracing myself for the first year – even before i was dating the one haha (anxiety alert). Finally I had a friend tell me “you know, the first year really doesn’t have to be hard.” I like the way Timothy Keller puts it in his book The Meaning or Marriage – he suggested that their first year of marriage was hard because they weren’t ready to sacrifice for their spouse and they didn’t fully recognize the emotional growth that needed to take place in themselves or their spouse prior to marriage. This doesn’t mean that God didn’t ordain and even purpose their marriage – it just means that their hard years happened post-marriage which does make for a hard year or first couple of years.
2. Be strong enough to walk away if needed.
I remember after one of my relationships I said “God, I don’t understand. He’s a great guy.” and I felt the Lord clearly say “He is a great guy. But I have the BEST guy for you.” I don’t think God meant that Travis is superior to every guy (although….I’m a little biased). I took it to mean God had the best person for me. And the same is true of the promises of God for your life as well. As you address concerns head-on before marriage and engage in hard conversations, have the confidence that God knows the future of this universe so He also knows the details of your life and He’s working for your good.
<3<3<3
LVL 